Choices to Make Me Grow

Have you ever thought back to the choices you have made? How have they directed your life and how have driven you to where you are now?

In the wee hours of the morning my husband awakened me from a sound sleep. Still groggy, I heard him say, “We need to talk”. That made me stand to attention because we rarely did. Even at 26 and 33, we were living married single lives. I was raising children, and he was building his business. “I am not happy, and I want a divorce.” He announced, “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” There was someone else. He also said he would like to stay until after Christmas, which was soon, then added, “By the way, I am going duck hunting this weekend.

I laid in shock, not knowing whether to scream, cry or just kill myself. I felt rejected and unloved. I kept begging him not to leave me, to stay, and that I would do anything to make myself good enough. One side of me felt desperate, and the other pathetic. Rusty was the only one in my life since I was fifteen. I couldn’t believe that I would now be left alone to raise our two small children. I had never worked, and my mom was dead and my father was mentally ill. My biggest fear was coming true. Being left behind usually came to me through death not by choice. I lay awake not wanting to believe what I had just heard.

When morning light appeared, it seemed just a nightmare; everything and everyone went on as usual. As soon as I was alone, I called my pastor; and he came and talked to me for hours. I felt I needed to get out of there and think. I made arrangements for the kids and called my sister-in-law, Vincy, and asked if she wanted to take a drive with me to Tahoe.

It was late in the evening before we left, and it was the biggest snowstorm I had ever seen. About halfway there, I started to doubt whether I was doing the right thing. I was feeling sick! I had a strong faith and had prayed with my unbelieving sister before we left the house. By the time we arrived, it was four o’clock in the morning. As I pulled up to the condo we owned, I saw my husband’s truck. “OH MY GOD!! I SCREAMED!” Vincy kept saying, "What are we going to do?” All I remember is driving around the block praying for God to guide me and to take over, because I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO…

Before I knew it, we were standing knocking on the door. I could hear my voice say as he opened the door, “It is too cold for ducks up here!” God has a sense of humor even in the tough times. We walked into the living room where the new girlfriend was sleeping; I looked at her, and then at him. Again I could hear my voice say, “This is not fair for her, the children, or me, and you need to go home and get your stuff and leave now.” I was calm and did not shed a tear, I slowly went and got my ski gear out of the closet, collected my sister-in- law that was in shock and left. We drove to the nearest motel, got checked in, and then it was like I awakened! I had read in the Bible about the power of God and now I was able to see it up close and personal. I laid on the bed and shook as I thought back to what had just happened. I had asked for Him to take over and He did. He had a sense of humor and compassion for the other gal by thinking of her first. WOW, it was an awful situation. I called my pastor and told him what had just happened.

I was determined to stay there a couple of days, so I was on the mountain first thing the next morning, snowstorm and all. I know I was in shock and felt numb even with the cold. Vincy stayed in the ski-lodge bar and was waiting for me when I came in. She was warm with liquid heat along with a lot of men doing the same. They all seemed to know what happened the night before and were telling me their own stories of woe. We were invited by one of the thirty something’s to come to a party at his house, which was right around the corner from where we were staying. I didn’t want to go, but Vincy did. I had tried drinking once when I was very young, and it was not a good experience. It made me sadder than I had been already, and I made a decision then, that I did not want to do that again.

As we entered the man’s upstairs apartment, the colorful strobe light of the 60’s and 70’s filled the room. Everyone was talking and drinking and doing a few drugs. It reminded me of eighteen year olds. I had prayed before I went because I was scared. I had never been brave when it came to men or parties, and I was very insecure. I knew I was vulnerable, but I also knew I was the only one to care for our children. I quickly got an unopened can of soda and carried it around with me. I kept thinking someone could drug me. So many men were paying attention to me. I liked being the one sought after, but as I watched I kept saying I don’t what to end up like all of these lost souls. Vincy was having a good time, and the conversation about the night before continued. Every time someone new came in, it was repeated once again. I Was a Star… Little did they know I had nothing to do with it. I watched all that was going on around me and thought, “How sad.”

All these wonderful people had made a decision along the way of their own difficult circumstances. They had been hurt and chose to numb their pain. They were stuck.

As we drove home the next day, I continued to thank God for His discernment, and for the hard lessons I had learned that weekend. It did not change my circumstances but it did change me. It gave me more confidence in myself. It gave me more confidence in myself because it gave me confidence in God. I wanted Him to be in control of my life!

As I think back to that story, I remember being so afraid of being alone. I cried many tears, and it was difficult. I am so glad I had my faith to fall back on when I could not longer rely on my husband to care for me.

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