The Look of Deception

What does a young woman look like when she is suffering from so much loss and feeling empty inside. I was looking at some old picture albums today. It was the day after Christmas with gray clouds and a chill in the air. As I moved each page, I could see years of time and experiences that our family had shared. There were many Christmases through those pages. The children have all grown and so have we.

With every picture I looked at closely, I saw a pretty young girl, without lines on her face and always a beautiful smile. She always seemed to be happy and had a much smaller frame than she has today. I was that girl.

One particular picture caught my eye; and as I studied it, I remembered back to the day it was taken. Anyone would have thought, this young beautiful thin, well-dressed 27 year old with long hair, had it all together. I do have to say I was pretty cute! It is too bad that I didn’t appreciate and believe in myself back then. The day that picture was taken was a very sad day for me. I remember my husband planning an over night trip to San Francisco to stay at the new Hyatt Regency Hotel. I kept saying to myself, “I am to upset to go,” However, he insisted, so we did.

Just a few weeks prior to this trip, my father-in-law and best friend, had died suddenly. Exactly two weeks before Dad’s death, my only sister had committed suicide. One of the saddest parts of her death was that I could not find our homeless father to tell him of his daughter’s death. I knew he was in San Francisco somewhere but he lived on the street and was impossible to find. On this overnight to the Hyatt, I had nothing to celebrate.

When we finally arrived at the hotel, a miracle happened. We had just alighted from the car that we had parked under the overhang. As I stood on the curb waiting for the attendant to give us the parking ticket, I glanced across the street. I could see a small short man with blue eyes and black hair. He was dressed in a torn old suit with a dirty white shirt and a tie. I knew immediately that it was my father. He started to walk towards me and I him. We held onto each other sobbing. I blurted, “Daddy I love you”, and he repeated, “I love you too!” Without giving me a chance to give him the horrid news about Bobbie’s suicide he then turned and walked away. Paralyzed, I let him. I still feel much pain when I think about my father. Having a loved one that is mentally deranged and homeless is the most helpless situation.

So you see how deceptive that photo of the well-dressed young girl was? Sometimes the truth is behind the picture not in it. I don’t think I believe that pictures tell a thousand words. At least that one didn’t. What is it that every photographer says before he or she takes a picture? SMILE. They don’t ask you to look like you might feel. Half the time when I was young, I didn’t know how I felt. My attitude depended on other people’s moods. I wanted to make everyone happy so that they would like me. I am so grateful today as I look back on the stages of my life, that my main man is God, my Savior. Without him I would not have made the decisions I did to help me through the tough times of my life.

Life is full of decisions, and I could have traveled a much different path than God chose for me. I was so insecure and I had no self worth when I was young. Seven immediate members of my family were dead by the time I was 27. I learned at an early age that God will never leave me. Everyone that was living did. My greatest fear was that my husband and children would die. I depended on God, because He said he would never forsake me.

My picture albums helped me realize how much a life can change. When we are young, our appearance is so important; and we think it will make us happy. As we grow older, it might be marriage and children that will make us complete, then we then get to a stage, where we wish we had more money and a big house. And life goes on and on. Fifty years have come and gone in my life, and I now know after all these years what God has been telling me all along. Self-Worth is the key. He always knew how special I was. It just took me awhile to figure it out. It is not any of those outside components. You can never be too shapely or have enough money to make you happy. Christ is the only perfect one around, but get this: We are made in his image!!

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