Hard Choices

There are a lot of ways for your children to leave home. If you were lucky the best way would be for them to grow and be independent, go off to college and learn to be responsible for themselves. Many mothers dread the day the kids grow up and leave.

For our family our first child did just that. She was what I call an easy keeper. She had a few problems in her teens but we all looked forward to her future as a woman.

Unfortunately, we were not as lucky with our son. He had always been a blessing but a challenge. He was diagnosis with ADHD as a very young child. The doctors tried to get me to approve giving him the drug Ritalin from the age of two until he was six. I always refused. After being kicked out of four nursery schools, bible study fellowship, and Sunday school, we decided we needed to do something. With much prayer, and good advice from our son’s teacher, we went through a series of tests. He was closely monitored with the drug. I was so afraid of it that he had it administered for school hours only. He was not on it except for six hours of day; none after school, weekends, or summer vacations. I wanted him to know how to handle himself without it. He was on it for three school years and then we discontinued the Ritalin.

Life was not easy for the following years but he made it through school until his senior year. His behavior started to change and we realized he was self medicating with speed. This drug equals Ritalin. After looking for help at the drug rehab center I was told, 75% of children that had been admitted had been on some form of drug as a young child. That was in 1987, 28 years ago, I couldn’t imagine what the numbers could be now.

It was at this time I heard my husband say for the first time to our 18-year-old son, “Stop using and go to school or you need to move out”. My heart stopped when I watched him pack his bags and go out the front door.

I knew we had to do something to help him. We had been the best parents we knew how to be, and now his choices were up to him. He was of legal age and his habit grew to be $100 a day. Many of our possessions were missing and the creditors were calling about bad checks. It was hard to believe that this was happening to our family. I did not know where he was. As I walked down our picture wall in our family home I would weep of his loss, and look at the way he used to be. What happened to this happy, curly-haired little boy who was so full of energy? Each night I would lie in bed wondering if he was dead or alive. I tried to prepare for the empty nest but there is no way a parent can prepare for this loss.

Often I would second-guess our decision, but down deep, I knew it was the right one. He had to learn to pay the consequence of his actions. We had always been there for him and supported him in all that he did. There was never any doubt that we loved our youngest child and he always knew that. But supporting and loving him was not enough, he was still a drug addict.

I soon learned from attending drug counseling that what we had always done was not working, so I needed to change my reactions to his actions. He could no longer stay the same if I didn’t. I reversed my actions, tough love is what we call it, and it is not easy to do. I think, as parents, we are always afraid our children will think we do not love them. In reverse we are showing we love them more. Besides they know we do.

Luckily in our family we did not have younger children. Our daughter was three years older but she was sick of her brother bringing so much pain into our family. He always got all the attention good or bad so she felt very left out most of her young life.

Now as I watch families travel this same road I feel their pain and loss. I watch the younger children being left out and dreading the visit or phone call. They usually corrupt the household and make everyone scream or cry with confusion of what to do next. Their sister or brother has been taken over by a drug that makes them someone they do not like or know. Will this HELL ever end? I am sure, just like my daughter, they wonder why we put up with so much. I know in my case I just kept praying that all his lies would be true and maybe this time it would be different.

It was never different until we changed ourselves, and let go of him to make his own choices. DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE ALWAYS DID. Our MO changed so his had to also. It still took time and there were a lot of sleepless nights, but something changed in us, and we could go on with our lives without the fear of feeling the drug had control of our family. Sure it might still have control of your child but remember his or her actions are the drug talking not the child you raised.

I always hung onto the verse that says, “Raise up a child in the way of the Lord and he shall not depart from it”. My version is, “He might go away for a little while, but He will return”. Thank God He is good to His word. My son is now a pastor of his own church

My prayers are with families that are going through your journey now. Keep praying for God’s wisdom and grace and guidance to help you through.

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