What Was Your Name?

I looked over at the sleeping man lying next to me. He was all cuddled up snoring softly with his light brown hair tossed back to show his handsome face. It was very early in the morning and my mind was racing with doubts of my future.

We had been married for many years but I still did not have the security I needed. We were married when I was eighteen, right out of high school, and started a family immediately. My husband was older and had his own business, and he worked 18/7 for the first ten years. My life was the children and his was work. The children were teenagers and I knew it would not be long until they were gone.

As I looked at my husband sleeping I kept thinking, “Who are you?” We had been together for nine months before our daughter was born. Now, we were lucky to have the kids around another five years. Then What!!! I felt as if I were lying next to a stranger, unsure of our future together. I only knew how to raise kids. Sure they were a lot of work, and we had many challenging times, but also provided much laughter and fun. Would I ever have fun again once they were gone? I hardly knew this man! We had such different lives even though we shared the same home and family.

That was the morning the light bulb went off in my head. I was determined not to wake up when I was forty-something and say, “What was your name?” and “What am I going to do now?”

I started to prepare for the empty nest. Our youngest was fourteen and I no longer had to work in his classroom. He was ADHD and his teachers insisted I volunteer two days a week while he was in the lower grades. He consumed most of my time and energy. Now, I finally had some time of my own to think about what I wanted to do.

The fall semester was starting at the junior college near my home. I had always been interested in interior design, and with an education in that field I could possibility work in my husband’s construction company.

When I started the classes I felt like a young girl again, but at the same time I felt strange doing something just for myself. Everyone at home still needed me but I found it was important for me to have an interest of my own.

In our house, on a wall between our two children’s room hung a parent’s prayer. I read it often while the children were growing up. It was a constant reminder that our children are not our own. When I prayed for them I would always start my prayer by thanking God for loaning me His children to raise for Him. What an awesome responsibility, and at tough times I would question, “Are you sure, Lord, you sent me the right kids?” Then I would remember the verse that says, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” Also, “To raise up a child in the ways of the Lord and he shall not depart from it.” I was always grateful for the Lord’s confidence he had in me, and the encouragement I got from His word.

Now, that the kids were no longer the highlight of my life, (or consuming agent) we had many a teenage conflict. With each incident I would realize that those fights and rebellion were one more way of breaking away from home. It all started to make sense.

You see, when they are cute little babies and they need us to take care of them, we love being with them. Then we have years of teaching and molding, to hopefully build the perseverance and character for them to learn to make the right choices. By this time they are teenagers wanting to try their own wings, and face it; they are not very pleasant to be around. It is all part of God’s plan.

I trusted God to help me raise His kids, and the question at the time of departure was? Do I trust Him enough to care for them, night and day when they are on their own?

Do I doubt God or myself in the job I did in raising them? I knew I did the best job I could, so I needed to trust my kids and my God to show me. Sure there are going to be mistakes made, but didn’t we all have to fall down once in a while.

Our daughter took plan A. She graduated and went onto college and did very well on her own. I was always so proud of her, and when she left I missed her smiling face and agreeable attitude.

Our son picked Plan D. This plan is one that I pray none of you have to go through. He chose to be kicked out because of a drug addiction. The smiling little boy that took all my time and attention now was on his own in a very scary world. My heart was broken and my trust in God was constant. My knees were ruby red from all my prayers for him.

My handsome husband woke up to a situation we both had to work on together. It was new to us to work together, but that was the way it had to be in the decisions that had to be made. Those five years of drug addiction were some of the most difficult years. At times I wonder how we lived through them, but I also realize the early years of guidance played a large role. My husband and I grew closer, and our son was forced to detach and run to the only arms that were open to him. Guess whose arms those were? This is definitely not the way I would have chosen to have an empty nest.

Remember the verse, “Raise up a child in the ways of the Lord and he shall not depart from it.” Now I know that they can go away for a little while but they will return. Our son fought the battle of drugs, and God delivered him completely. He went onto Bible College and is a pastor that works with young people. I had always prayed for him to serve the Lord, and little did I know during the dark times how bright our future would be.

I will always be grateful for the Lord’s guidance and wisdom. I finally realized His chain of command. First: God in our life. Second is our husbands and then our children. We as mothers somehow get it all mixed up. My husband and I lived married single lives, he did his thing and I did mine, to the point of not knowing each other. I was consumed in being a mother and our kids were my world. Where else did he have to go but work?

I believe finding an outside interest did me a world of good. Not only did I get an education that gave me self-esteem, but also it made me a more interesting person to be around.

Our family has always stayed close, and recently we have all made a decision to move back together again. Our children and their families along with my husband and I now live on a large ranch in our own houses side by side. We work together all ten of us raising kids and animals. God is GOOD and we are truly BLESSED.

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